Specific details
create word pictures that can make your writing easier to understand
and more interesting to read. This exercise will give you practice in revising sentences to make them more concrete and specific.
Instructions:
Revise the following sentences to make them more concrete and specific.
HMWK:
RETEST on Mango Street---Read the book! Make note of characters and events in the story.
How does Esperanza grow and change during the course of the book? (possible essay style question?)
Instructions:
Revise the following sentences to make them more concrete and specific.
Example:
The sun came up.
At 6:27 on March third, the sun rose in a cloudless sky and flooded the earth with liquid gold.
- The food in the cafeteria was unappealing.
- We painted part of the garage.
- She sat by herself in the coffee shop.
- The kitchen was a mess.
- Marie looked sad.
- I waved to my pet.
- The car sped away.
- The waiter seemed to be impatient and annoyed.
- He was hurt in a boating accident.
- I felt tired after practice.
- She enjoys listening to music.
- There was a strange smell in the attic.
- The movie was stupid and boring.
- She ate lunch at a restaurant with her sister.
- It was noisy in the room.
HMWK:
RETEST on Mango Street---Read the book! Make note of characters and events in the story.
How does Esperanza grow and change during the course of the book? (possible essay style question?)
Olivia Spenard
ReplyDelete1. The stinky, disgusting food in the grimy cafeteria was completely and utterly unappealing
6. I waved excitedly and with relief to my beloved pet dog Odie as he bounded towards me, the companion I had missed for so long
7. The rusty car sped away with anticlimactic gusto, leaving behind a trail of gas and empty threats.
11. She enjoys and hates listening to heavy metal music, it peels away her ears but mends her broken feelings.
14. She awkwardly ate lunch with her sister and her previous boyfriend, she couldn’t stop her eyes from wandering to his arm around her small, loose shoulder and the dinner plate they shared.
15. It was extremely noisy in the smoky room, graffiti screamed off the moldy walls and red plastic beer cups sloshed across the dented creaky floor.
7. The rose red car sped away kicking up Nevada sand, and blinding my friends and me.
ReplyDelete6. The rain cascaded on the drive way as I waved to my sad pet dog for the last time.
3.She by herself in the small cramped coffee shop desperately waiting for a face she knew would never arrive.
13.The horrible comedy movie was so stupid and boring that he accidentally fell asleep, waking up to his head in a bag of popcorn.
4. The kitchen was a unlike anything she had ever seen before, unwashed plates were strewn across the counter and dust hung to every wall.
Jasmina Rizvanovic
ReplyDelete11/15/13
5 Sentences
11. She enjoys listening to music.
She enjoys being brought into another world, captivated by sounds in which she relates to with every ounce of her soul.
3. She sat by herself in a coffee shop.
She sat isolated in the vacant coffee shop with smells of coffee captivating her and the caffeine giving her a rush of energy.
13. The movie was stupid and boring.
The film we saw on Saturday was far from entertaining; the cliché theme was a waste of out 2 hours.
8. The waiter seemed to be impatient and annoyed.
We visited that new restaurant in town and it was a disappointment. The waiter was uninterested and unsteady which was unusual for a new opening.
7. The car sped away.
She stormed out of the filthy house and rushed into her car. She sped away from all of us not only with her car but with her.
1. The food in the cafeteria was unappealing.
ReplyDelete➢ We walked briskly to our table with our lunch trays, surprisingly anxious to bite into to unappealing cafeteria food.
1. We painted part of the garage.
➢ We dipped our brushes into the crimson paint, and stroked the previously bland garage wall artistically.
2. She sat by herself in the coffee shop.
➢ She sat with her freshly brewed cappuccino at the table, and used the hot sips to wash away the bad memories.
3. The kitchen was a mess.
➢ Walter scraped hard food off of the floor and vowed to never again cook his mom breakfast for mother’s day.
8. The waiter seemed to be impatient and annoyed.
➢ The waiter became frazzled and ticked, as Marcy was indecisive about what meal she wanted.
Kadeja Roman - hall
ReplyDelete1. The kitchen was a mess; it looked like the world war two-crew members were eating in our kitchen. The bowls had left over spaghetti from last night in them the red kool aid inside the cups. The sauce on the counter tops and noodles everywhere covering the floor and table.
2. Marie looked sad when she came to third period living environment. It looked as if someone was bothering her or someone died in her family. Her hair was a mess as along with her make out that left running streaks down her face as if she were crying for days.
3. It was nosey in the room, not being able to concentrate on your homework. The room was filled with many kids little annoying children that misbehaved.
4. She sat by herself in the coffee shop drinking warm milk. Trying not to stare but the outfit she wore as if she was going through mental breakdown. Her eyes had bags under them as if she didn’t sleep for hours
5. The waiter seemed to be patient and annoyed because I wouldn’t make up my mind. There was to many good choices to choose from. Five to then minutes thinking hard about lunch. After thirteen minutes I called him back.
Rashi’d Pendleton
ReplyDeleteMs.Gamzon
11/15/13
Word Exercise
2) The garage paint was old and peeling. We decide to bring life to the dead garage; we chose wonderful bright light colors such as pink, yellow, and periwinkle.
3) The coffee shop was filled of people laughing and talking. But it was this one lady that was sitting lonely in a corner staring out the window staring at nothing.
4) I walked into the house and I go straight for the kitchen as I hear my stomach growling. I’m shocked at what I see. The sink full of unwashed dishes the table had food spilled all over it. The floor that used to be white is now a dark light brown and the smell I rather not talk about it.
10) After practice I feel as if I’m going to die. The pains in my legs get worst and travel up to my back.
11) The music she listens to brightens her day in so many different ways. It’s kind of hard to explain. When her favorite song comes on she gets this look in her eyes that always amaze me.
Nandi, Jeffries
ReplyDelete1) The revolting odor of what smelled like a 20 year old dead carcus hit my nose like bullets. I thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever come by in my entire 14 years of living until I looked down and realized that this unappealing smell was coming from the three day old chesseburger sitting on my lunch tray.
3) I watched from afar as she sat by herself in the coffee shop and all I kept thinking was I’ve never seen so much desperation for attention in the eyes of a women so beautiful.
7) The slick black car with the tinted windows sped away so fast they left half their luggage behind at the hotel door.
10. After track practice I felt so tried it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and just wouldn’t let up.
15. The noisy room was so filled with the screams of my mother and the booming music attempted to cover it up, that there was no room for me to think.
Janelys Saez
ReplyDelete1. There was a strange smell in the attic.
As I opened the door to the attic, a fart smell hits my nose.
2. I felt tired after practice.
I felt like my body was on a shut down as I got home, basketball practice was insanely tiring.
3. The food in the cafeteria was unappealing.
The crappy fake pizza and mushed macaroni in the cafeteria was unappealing.
4. The car sped away.
The faked gold colored car sped away as soon the red light turned to green.
5. The movie was stupid and boring.
The movie wasn’t as interesting as the book.
1. The lunch in the cafeteria today was very unappealing-- the pink chicken patty was a raw as a fish, the milk had a musky green color and smelled like sour month old cheese, and the desert was just a burnt dusty dark brown cookie. Sometimes, the food would move and eat one of the students. The students were scared of even eating the lunch so they wouldn’t eat it, which made them hungry for a whole day.
ReplyDelete2. Usually the garage had a boring grey color and made me sad. It bring out a negative energy in which it consume the whole garage. One day on my way back, I passed by a paint shop and grabbed a light pink color paint can and went back home. I painted the once grey walls and the next day happily to see my new pink walls, but when I got there it was still grey.
Why can I be happy?
3. Celle was sitting by herself on a foggy, rainy day. The coffee shop had many costumers in which most were couples. She looked out on the window waiting for someone to come. She waited for many hours for someone to come and finally a man with jet-black short hair, violet eyes and wore a blue suit and red tie.
“ Sorry I was late, I had an emergency meeti…” His sentence was interrupted when he noticed the woman fast asleep as a bear. He smiled looking at his girlfriend and carried him back to his library.
4.When Shinbei came back from a sweets convention in Tensano, she found her kitchen a mess. Cake batter splattered all over the floor, her new frosting was wasted, and her cake mixer was still blending as if it had a life of its own. She looked ahead to the trail of cake batter footsteps that lead upstairs to she her friend Mahana in the bath trying to clean herself from the destroyed kitchen.
5. The waiter was impatient since no one in the restaurant couldn’t make up their minds. Angered he flipped the beautiful tables and quitted, running away with a white table cloth as a cape, his usual work clothes and sliver forks and knives as weapons.
Robert Johnson
ReplyDeleteMs.Gamzon
11/15/13
Word Exercise
6) I waved to my pet as she licked herself clean and purred against my leg.
7) The blue and black striped camera car speed away when they heard the sound of police sirens.
8) The waiter seemed to be impatient and annoyed when I asked her if she could get me more sauce because she didn’t get it for me the first time.
11) She enjoys listening to music because nit puts her some type of trance where all her surrounding diminish.
10) I felt tired after practice, my bones were asking as if I was a 90 yea old man who just got done dancing with his daughter.
Gilda Martinez
ReplyDelete1. The food in the cafeteria was unappealing.
The chicken nuggets were some what soggy, and undone, while the pizza was thick and hard with barely any cheese or sauce, this made it even harder to swallow, and no one dared touched the overly ripe chocolate milk that was served in little stained card-board containers as well. The cafeteria food was very unappealing today.
2. She sat by herself in the coffee shop.
It was December 24th, around 10:30 at night. She sat by herself, reading one of J.K. Rowling’s novels with a warm cup of whip creamed filled warm chocolate, using a sugar covered cinnamon stick as her straw. It was snowing out side, and the whole plaza had Christmas lights hanging gleefully everywhere. She was by herself in a coffee shop on Christmas Eve, but she had to admit that this was the best eve yet.
3. Marie looked sad.
Marie was walking in the rain by herself, all alone. She had her head down in shame, and was wearing big watery eyes; with a deep frown on her little face. She was doing this as self-harm; to walk in the freezing cold that was Russia forever, that was her plan. Marie was very sad, maybe even depressed, but yes, Marie looked sad on that day.
4. The car sped away.
“ Watch it!” My dad cursed. He was seething in the front seat. His pale face was red, and blotchy from his distressed crying, and his hands were trembling from wanting to strangle my mother to death. When my father made it to the airport in record time, he unlocked all the doors and practically flew out of the car to go to the trunk and dump our stuff out. My mother started tearing up, making me roll my eyes and stroll out of the car and walk to the doors of the entrance. “…And don’t you ever think about coming back either! Go cheat on somebody else with their boss, tramp!” My father yelled so loud that people stopped and looked at us with curious eyes. My mother picked up all the bags with struggle and pouted childishly when she noticed that I was not going to help her. I looked at my father, and begged with my eyes that he took me with him, but he only shook his head and sped away, out of the airport parking lot.
5. I felt tired after practice.
I dropped to the waxed floor with a sweaty ‘plop’ and started heaving oxygen into my lungs. I picked up my thick water bottle and sprayed the cool water all over my face. My muscles were aching, and my hair and clothes were almost glued to me because of all my body sweat and mud that coated my whole person. I grinned at my self, because I know that I did a awesome job in the field today. I closed my eyes and started falling asleep. I was exhausted.